Tonight I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve and be honest.

“I’ve been thinking way too hard lately about getting some meds to help clear up this depression that’s clouding my head!” -Levi The Poet.

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This depression just won’t disjoint! I’ve tried and tried to appoint it to new feelings, feelings like perhaps joy. But it’s never going to reappoint.

Disappointment floods my life and floods my soul. It’s always continuing, like one of those never ending holes. All I seem to hear, see, feel, and do is disappoint.

And every time I’ve cried to You, God, you’ve never replied. And every time You don’t reply I seem to subside. By Your rules, I always tried my hardest to abide, But I can never seem to feel You by my side.

In You, I always confide, but how can I confide when I can’t even feel Your guide, when You’re not by my side? The last time I couldn’t feel You by my side, I almost died. People who only know the upside of life shutter at the word of suicide. But I’ve never heard a word more beautiful than my beloved suicide.

As I stare once again into the reflection of my beaten soul and look again into my bloodshot eyes, something dark there underlies. There’s a detection of a collection of the lack of affection and protection with a little misguided direction. Then there’s an infection of imperfection and a lot of rejection. Not to mention, the disconnection of You and me.

Speaking of affection. When I go to bed there’s a million and one thoughts sprinting through my head, but one always seems to be ahead. Because every night I wish there was a stranger laying too close for comfort in my bed.

I’m sick of the loneliness eating away at my brain. I’ve tried to abstain from this lust but somehow, someway I need to rid myself of this pain. And I know this is unjust and you look at me in disgust but who else can I trust to readjust my brokenness?

I’ll never be able to attain the life You have planned for me when I’m stuck here held back chain by chain. I’ve ran so far away I can never regain, and I’m afraid I’ll go insane. I try not to complain, but what they do to me is inhumane and the pain is kind of hard to explain.

And now my body bleeds because of all these insecurities, the obscurity, and all of this impurity. And let’s not forget the lack of surety on if tomorrow will ever come for me.

I want You to, no, I need You to rescue me like You rescued David when he was in distress. You thundered down from Heaven and gave him refuge and saved him from the monsters.

I have to prevail! I admit to You, the monsters are TOO strong, and I’ve become frail. I know You and I know You would never betray me. I want Your love to impale me. Life is not a fairytale. With Your grace I cannot fail. Oh God, I will prevail!

I’m Okay, I’m Okay.

No, no, NO! I’m NOT okay! Do I look okay?!… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to explode.

No, I’m not sorry. I am SICK of being sorry, I’m sick of hearing it, because nobody means it anymore.

Nobody cares. Nobody cares why these scars dance along my forearms. All I am to you is a bore.

Nobody cares why all I can tell you is lies.

Nobody cares why tears fall from these bloodshot eyes…

Actually, tears can’t fall from these eyes, because one night I woke up from the sound of my parents screaming at each other, then the sound of my mother getting beat.

And that night I swore to myself I would never cry again. Then a new feeling overcame me, the feeling of defeat!

And since I was eight, since that night, I never cried again. I never let anyone in, except for the cool alcohol streaming down my throat,

Except for the pills following short behind, afloat,

The pot fogging out of my lips, and except for the blade ripping open my skin.

Since then, I always let my parents down. You know, failure is a scary thing.

With all the scary, disappointing mishaps it will bring.

But it’s something I fear all the time, failing, but yet I always set myself up for it, every time. And now here I am, I’ve lost grip and I’m falling faster and deeper.

I have nothing left to hold onto, and could this path possibly get any steeper?

I remember being a little kid and believing in Santa, I remember wanting to be an actress, an artist, wanting to succeed!

I wanted to believe two people could last together forever. I wanted to believe I didn’t have to see my arms bleed.

But see, how else was I supposed to cope?!

All my childhood dreams were CRUSHED along with all my hope.

They washed down the drain with the warm, sticky, red tears that fell from my wrist.

They were buried six feet under, just where I belong. Another empty name on the list.

I’ve given all I have, and I have nothing left to give. I’m left empty-handed.

Are you happy now? Are you happy I’m here abandoned?

What do I have left, WHO do I have left? NOTHING, NOBODY! God, do you even here me?

The one thing I’ve always wanted was to be loved, to feel like somebody wanted me,

To feel as if I make a difference in somebody’s life. I want to break free!

But here I am, slowly popping,… drinking,… smoking,… and one by one, cutting my problems away.

And all that seems to do is make the monsters stronger. I think the monsters are here to stay!

God, I said I’d never let anybody in, and I meant it, but I NEED YOU!

I need your hand to hold! I need YOUR hand to pull me through!

God, if I sink any lower, the monsters will have complete control

And after that I can’t come back! And I’m going to lose my soul!

I’m scared of what will happen next, I’m scared this craving for the monsters that’s developing will never fill my empty hole!

God, if you are the God that everybody says you are, if you are the God that you claim to be,

I need to you to come to me, I need you to show me!

I don’t have much time left until the blood spills all out of my body!

I have a growing urgency, God, this is an emergency!

Time is ticking down, and I can here the monsters laughing…

JESUS!! Please, take my hand!